How to deal with lossPosted 29th September 2016
Hello and welcome to Fotheringham Styling’s blog page. Here I normally talk about Fashion Style but today i’m going to hang up my stylish shoes and cover one of the other topics that I deal with through the new Life Coaching service, Life Styling.
As part of the new Life Styling service I help clients through many difficult challenges in their lives. One of the main challenges I have been helping with most recently is how to overcome loosing someone close to you. Whether it’s a family member, a partner or a friend, dealing with loss is devastating.
Everyone handles loss differently and there’s no right or wrong way to outlet your grief. Some of you may find you are no where near coming to terms with the loss. Although it’s not a text book case, I have helped many to understand how they can personally begin to find peace and get on with their life. For the reason that it is not text book, I don’t want to give general advice. I am going to do something I’ve never done publicly in writing, I’m going to tell you my experience loosing my absolute hero of a man, my father. What happened and how I came to terms with this extremely painful loss, and the methods I used to cope. I hope that you find this helps you with your grief.
My dad and I had a very strong bond. He was my number one fan when I was a Ballerina and during my advanced training, dad would drive me from Bath to London every Sunday for almost 3 years! We were similar characters, in fact we shared the same star sign. Because of that we would sometimes clash but no matter what, he was always there for me and I could go to him with any problems. The ultimate family man.
One year before he passed, dad was diagnosed with a brain tumour. It was terminal and the hardest thing I’ve ever had to process. Me being a Life Coach, I tried to help my family think about this in the right way. We had some time to make sure that nothing was left unsaid. Dad and I talked a lot about the good times and how much we loved each other, and the bad times where we chose to forgive. I enjoyed going to visit him during his final days to make him feel as happy and as comfortable as possible. One of the last things he said to me was that when he gets better, we will go for a drink. He was paralysed by this point but I smiled and said that I couldn’t wait. Far better than to remind dad that he was too sick.
The minute my dad had passed, my life totally changed. I felt as if I had lost a limb and I was so vulnerable in the outside world. It was as if I was walking around naked and everyone was staring at me. Does this sound similar to you? This is a very natural feeling when loosing someone close to you, although it can make you feel so uncomfortable and alienated can’t it. Other days I would feel numb, in disbelief that this had really happened to me and my family.
Dealing with the grief: Riding the waves
Grieving as i’m sure you’re aware is so up and down, very much like waves in the ocean. Some days I would feel relatively calm and eternally grateful for having such a wonderful father, and other days I would feel so much anger. How could someone so beautiful inside and out with such an inspiring nature be taken away from us? It can be exhausting to ride these waves, however it’s far better to feel the waves, than to jump out of the water and avoid them completely. If you don’t face your grief and embrace what has happened, It WILL catch up with you. Some of my clients tried to avoid the grief and it hit them like a ton of bricks. It caught up with them so unexpectedly that they could assume it was because of something totally different. The important thing that I kept telling myself was that I wouldn’t let anyone, including myself rush my grief. Time is the main healer, and it will take as long as it takes.
Have an outlet for your grief
It’s very important during this time of severe heartache that you have an outlet for your grief. Do whatever it is that allows you to express yourself and release your emotions. By trying so hard to hold yourself together, you will actually be putting the body under distress that overtime can disrupt your life; bubbling over at the worst possible times! Here are some things that really helped me.
The great outdoors: Go to a place such as a field or beach, or somewhere you are completely alone. It is time for you to release all your emotions. You can scream out your anger, or hysterically cry, this time is for you. Do whatever it is that you feel you need to do, that you can’t with anyone around you. You will feel so much better for releasing this pent up emotion, and you can do this as much as you need. It could end up being your place of peace.
Go for a run or long walk: Another way to embrace the outside world is to go for a run or walk. Keep moving forward, embracing all the beauty, and don’t look back! As well as it being great for your fitness and releasing healthy endorphins, it’s a great way for your mind to begin the process of moving forward with your life. It’s easier said than done but it’s what your loved one wants for you.
Go to the gym: The gym is fantastic! So many different classes to do such as Pilates, yoga, spinning class and boxing for example. The Classes tend to be the same day and time each week, therefore it’s great to get you into a routine. Something that gives you a reason to get up in the morning. Even on days when it seemed like the very last thing I felt like doing, once I was there I felt so proud of myself. The upward spiral begins.
Talk to your loved one
I found that after dad’s passing and even now, it’s comforting to talk to my dad as if he was next to me. I talk about the simple things like what i’ve done with my day and talk to him whilst decorating my new home for example. I can hear what my dad would say in response while decorating. Dad always expected everything to be perfect and would be a bit moody or sarcastic if I wasn’t doing something to his satisfaction. It used to slightly annoy me at the time but now it gives me the giggles and such comfort. Do you have a simple scenario such as this to find comfort? It really does help with the progress of your grief. It also helps to unravel memories and open up to others about the person you’ve lost. Talking to your loved one and talking to others about them is a great medicine for grief. Don’t have your thoughts all locked up. Express your emotions as much as you can.
Keeping a routine
It’s important that through this time that you try to maintain a healthy routine. Easier said than done but going to work for example will keep you and your mind busy, and give you time to escape. It’s also vitally important to make time just for you. Socialise or do whatever it is that you love and makes you happy. For me, socialising with my friends and going to music events is what makes me happy, even through sad times. They just know all the right things to say and do.
Taking them with you
This for me was the most emotional step but a necessary one. Whenever I go on a trip, I will always make sure I go to a bar or restaurant that I know dad would have loved. I start by ordering his favourite drink and talk to him about how much he’d love it. No matter who is around me at the time, I will say ‘Cheers Dad, this one’s for you!’ This form of therapy is so that even though you are moving on with your life, you will always carry them with you.
Testimonial: Before seeking help from Fotheringham Styling I was nervous and anxious all the time, so unbearable that I could barely leave the house! I lost my husband a few years back and didn’t know how to carry on alone. I’d been to different forms of therapy in the past but nothing seemed to keep me happy for long. Candice taught me so much, some things I’d heard before. But she describes things in such a way that it’s easier to understand and maintain. I worked with Candice every other week for several months and now feel ready to take on the world. It’s a wonderful thing to have someone care as much as Candice does. Her calm yet positive energy rubs off on you instantly. I’d highly recommend her to anyone.
I hope that this article has given you some comfort and some ideas of what you need to do now. If you feel you need someone to talk through this, please email me and i’ll happily help you every step of the way!
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